A bit of strife has taken a divot on my sanity, that much I’ll admit. It’s a small, nagging annoyance that’s living rent-free in my subconscious that I’ll need to address before anything resembling my earlier pseudo-breakdown rears its ugly head. To quote Drake, as averse as I am to his music, I am truly upset.
That thorn in my ass won’t be the feature of this mental musing, although it’s loosely related. I don’t have tons of close friends intentionally. Hell, my acquaintance circle isn’t even that big. Mainly because I don’t have a lot of time and energy to give to scenarios that are for appearances. Literally the biggest waste of my time. So when I do connect with someone on a real level, it’s great and I do my best to maintain that connection.
But, as I learned this past year, those connections can and will change, sometimes without me even noticing. I used to feel some type of way when I’d loose that closeness to a person. I don’t believe it was ever a “I spent all this time and energy on you!” thing though. It was more so a fork in the road of our relationship and I knew in my soul I had to go the opposite direction. I had this discussion with my boo thang the other day and she validated what I already knew despite my ambivalence.
She said, “Sometimes you discover who a person really is and it’s cool for a time, then after a while you understand that you’ve got to grow past them. Or they’re on a path you can’t follow and will keep you from staying true to who you are.”
She’s 100% right and to round out her point, I had to establish boundaries with these people. The latest being some weeks ago, which had me kind of fucked up because I truly felt indebted to this person for being a positive force in helping me acclimate to my new environment. But it’s easy to forget the reciprocal things I did in return and knowing that I did my part to appreciate them in the midst of all that, I don’t feel guilty. I’m always going to look out for #1 and grow in the direction I see fit. And sometimes you gotta dry the roses and watch them from afar.
I doubt they hate me for distancing myself and I don’t believe boundaries are particularly a bad thing. It’s just a small wish inside of me that we could have grown in similar directions. Picking and choosing when to offer my presence sounds weird, sometimes even feels weird. But I see the blaze over the hills. Maybe they do as well and have chosen to believe they won’t get burned. Hell, I could be completely wrong about what I’m seeing.
Maybe to them that’s the wave, but it’s definitely one I won’t be riding. I’ll remain cordial and respectful though. They’re owed that much. Even though I know choosing myself over a friendship I cannot support is the right choice, it feels weird to tell them to fuck off so indirectly. A weirdness that can only be attributed to the fact that it’s really no one’s fault things are this way. No one chose to grow apart, we just did because of our choices.
The real crime is ignoring the reality and feigning ignorance. Ain’t no bliss in faking the funk.