Feelings in the sun, son

The irony of my paternal relationship is not lost on me when it comes to transferring this rental lease into my name this weekend. Pettiness and business rarely mix, but some people know how to make it work; my father in particular. Regardless of our relationship’s status, I do appreciate he can muster enough professionalism to take care of business…even if it’s self-serving.

I got a chuckle out him telling me he was going to end the lease and that he hoped I had a job. Not sure where his head was at this past Christmas, but clearly he wasn’t paying attention. He was probably too busy being shook I showed up after all the shit he pulled earlier that year. Not gonna lie, I got great pleasure seeing him squirm.

It’s just weird now when I get asked about what I’m doing for Father’s Day because for most, it’s a norm to spend the day with daddio(s). My reply of “Yeah my dad’s a petty narcissist with control issues and a lack of empathy when it comes to his ego, so I’m not doing much,” would be met with lots of blank stares. I think “Yeah my dad’s a piece of shit,” might be marginally better. Regardless, I’ve decided to spare curious minds the chance to pity me because there’s nothing to mourn.

Interestingly enough, I discovered a friend of mine has a similar relationship with his own father, albeit his aversion is probably more legitimate, but I digress. The common thread is that although we’ve closed that chapter for ourselves, we’re not barring others from including our fathers in their lives. If I have kids, I won’t bar them from having a relationship with their grandfather. If anything, it’ll be a clean slate for him to do right by somebody for a change, if he so chooses. I keep it cordial and business. I’ve tried too long and too hard prior to divert energy to that void anymore.

As much as I want to ignore our aborted relationship, it still sucks at the end of the day. I wish I could get excited to see the guy that probably went against his instincts to flee and stood his ground. Whatever the motivation was for that, I don’t really care. He wasn’t ready, but he had to get ready. So I commend him for stepping up, but that display of integrity can’t fill in forever. You can only shower a child with materialism for so long before they’re left wanting more than what the newest toy can give.

I did let my dad figures know they there are appreciated today and frankly, that’s the story of my life in many ways. I may have been born into a family, but that doesn’t mean I can’t add members at my leisure. Funny enough, I’m closer to more people outside of immediate family. I have a knack for stumbling into things and people that are missing in my life. A fine skill worthy of Domino’s lucky streaks. Call me Zazie.

I told myself I wasn’t going to a Father’s Day post and here we are. But this isn’t really me bitching as the other posts have been. It’s more of a reconciliation. Things are the way they are and the ball hasn’t been in my court for some time now. Will it ever come back? Nobody knows.

Even still, I hope my father has a chill Father’s Day with my sister and company. Whatever feelings I had years ago have been out in the sun long enough to dry out. He’ll just have to settle for a half-wave at Christmas once a year if we do cross paths. I’m fairly interested what his response will be when I tell him to return any and all gifts he may buy.