It’s interesting how day drinking and night drinking are, well, night and day. The vibes are totally different. My onesie experience was the first foray into day drinking and I loved it, but after St. Patty’s yesterday, I’m starting to see a pattern. Everything seems a whole lot more wholesome when the sun is out. There’s very little pressure and I can see it in people’s interactions. The pretense and connotation of late night drinking (going home with someone for the night) at a bar or club supersedes having a good time in a lot of cases. Nobody’s out hunting for a lay at 1pm and if they are, I salute their perseverance.
Observations aside, someone said to me recently that I “need better friends.” And for context’s sake, this is someone I’m fairly close to so I was taken aback by such a comment. Because it was so off the cuff, I had a feeling it was some projection on his part. Turns out, it was. I’m fairly confident in my ability in judging a person’s character from just a few interactions. It’s a useful skill I acquired from my mother, who can peg people like no other (BARS). So, I’m bit of a sleuth. Watch your back. *heavy breathing*
I let this friend down easy and told them they can’t make that judgment about people they don’t know. Logically, it doesn’t make sense. That’s like me telling them that his friends are trash, but I’ve never met them. Now if I told him stories about these “bad friends” then sure, he’ll have some clout based on my retelling. Not such thing ever happened though. Normally, I would have really went in on him, but I saw the bigger picture. I felt some shit was going on behind the scenes. There was.
And one of these frames involved me and this notion that I was drifting away and that I’d find friends to replace him. Which is silly. My speculation was that he might’ve been feeling some type of way as I’ve been falling into various friend groups and he’s had a rough time finding quality people to connect with. It wasn’t like I planned on meeting who I met. It was all the result of exercising my right to live and expand my horizons that can’t go very far if I’m holed up in my apartment every weekend.
The idea of replacement, while common, doesn’t make sense. I can’t copy, cut, or paste friendships interchangeably. Sure, I can spend more time with certain friends than other because of variety of factors, but on my side of things, that connection doesn’t suddenly stop mattering. If I hit you at any point, ever, you’re in my periphery and that’s the truth. How much I focus on you, well, that depends on how much of our lives, goals, interests, vibes, and dispositions intersect. I can’t choose who I’m drawn to or repelled by. And I refuse to apologize for following what feels right and distancing myself from what feels wrong.
I find myself saying this like every post now, but relationships are fluid. They shift, they change, they grow, they dwindle. It’s all in the ebb and flow of existence. Understanding that and working towards a common goal of sharing life with each other makes those low points easier to deal with. And that’s the most important when friendships are involved honestly. If both parties are putting in effort, then there’s little to worry about in the grand scheme of things. You’ll come back.
I’m very cognizant of the fact that I’m an extremely solitary person. That’s not going to change. Some weeks, I don’t talk to or see anyone. Ultimately, my best friend is myself in a lot of situations, that’s just the facts. It’s easier to for me to deal with me. Despite this, I actively try to maintain my relationships because I’m still human and I still give a shit about a handful of people. Plus, the people in that handful always hold me down, if St. Patty’s was any indication. Ya boy was fucked up. But in the company of beautiful souls, it didn’t matter. If I was the sober one playing babysitter, they know I’d ensure their drunk asses would make it to work on Monday.
Reciprocation. That’s what it all boils down to. And for me, the scale is irrelevant. It’s the intent and frequency. It’s interesting how I’ve been fortunately enough to surround myself with people that are very reciprocal. Sometimes I pay, sometimes they pay, but it’s never a Mexican standoff when the bill shows up. There aren’t fights about who’s driving nor are we calculating gas money owed. We’re all on that level and there’s no static when it comes to similar situations. What does anyone gain from grudges? It’s about paying the positivity forward, not pining for a payback. Holding something over someones head, is holding myself hostage. I’m not with it.
Do I need “better” friends? Nah, they’re pretty stellar in my eyes. Can I be a better friend? Probably, I’m far from perfect. Can my friends be better friends? If they want to be, but I can’t make that judgment for them. If I’m still talking to and hanging out with them regularly, they’re making the grade in my book.