This is going to be a whirlwind because I’m still trying to understand what’s going on in particular so if you’ve got better shit to do, save this for when you’re bored or faking like you’re busy.
So, the vaportini event slated for last night actually ended up being absinthe class part two, which kind of pissed me off. I ready to smoke some god damn alcohol. But I got to drink absinthe again, eat fancy food, enjoy amazing conversation, and just enjoy the night like last time. I couldn’t be too mad right? But something was markedly different.
Mind you, RCA and I were supposed to have this DTR (Define The Relationship) talk about what the future looked like for us. We have great chemistry and we get along pretty well. All the signs of things pointing in a certain direction, but there was also the case of her being fresh out of multi-year relationship. I already predicted the outcome of this rodeo after learning about this within the first week of knowing her. Spoiler: She went back to her ex, which I believe was the right choice because shit’s about to get real.
Fast forward past the fun times of the absinthe class and my riveting conversation with other kindred spirits about philosophy, learning and the like, to finally having this talk with RCA. She’s a very smart girl and very perceptive for being 4 years my junior. Suffice to say, the shit ended as I thought it would and I wasn’t sad, mad, or happy. I was just calm and accepting. And that’s not even because I had already figured that she’d go back and work on her old relationship or that I had prepared for her response. I’m really good at lying to myself and I was searching for that faux truth to feed myself, as I typical do, to lessen those feelings of disappointment. It wasn’t there.
I was taken aback. I tried searching for apathy, resentment, anger, fear, sadness; anything I was familiar with emotionally in such a situation. Nothing. What the fuck is going on? Where is all this calmness coming from and why am I so okay with all of this?
“Bro, you were just drunk, stop bullshitting.”
Tipsy? Sure. Drunk? No. And that stillness that permeated every fiber of my being was not the alcohol in my bloodstream by any means. It was something I felt a couple weeks prior, but I shrugged off as just “feeling good” that day. Now, I was getting my whole ass in it. And for all my Buddhist, Taoist, and East-Asian religious leanings, last night I stumbled upon what I been reading about for over a decade now.
I’m still hesitant to commit and make such a statement, but I’m thinking that was a taste of Nirvana. And I’m not talking about smelling like teen spirit. I’m talking the eye of the storm, the calmness within calamity; tai chi in a tornado, if you will. A type of unperturbed zen that, in the midst of this girl kicking me to the curb for her ex, couldn’t be fucked with.
To top that all off, I ended up giving her sound advice and genuinely wanting her to work things out with her ex because it was a journey we both knew she needed. At the same token, it wasn’t me closing myself off to her like I typically do either. I willingly invited a friendship and for us to hangout regularly if it was chill. And I fucking meant it. I could feel it in my chest that I was being sincere. What the hell man.
She thanks me for being super cool about the whole thing then we parted ways. I was still calm and resolved as though I just had a conversation with her about our favorite foods or something totally not related to matters of the heart. It was weird as hell. And after yet another failed pairing, I realized something interesting and kind of profound.
For the past few years, I’ve always touted to myself that I was someone who had no expectations, who was not a jealous person, who was extremely open to nearly all situations, and who didn’t get possessive over people. And to my credit, I think I did an alright job of embodying some of those qualities. But there was always a part of me that actually fell prey to all of these things under certain circumstances and I sure as shit felt like a fraud when it did.
This time though, I actually put my money where my mouth was and it was a shock to realize such a thing was real for me. I think this is partially attributed to the fact that I have no real problems in my life right now. Everything, and large, is fine. No convincing needed.
And through this epiphany I came to another conclusion that’s probably insane, but I’m going to say it anyway. I don’t believe romantic situations are for me right now or maybe ever. I don’t feel like I deserve or desire it to be completely honest. It’s a stance I’m still trying to understand completely, but that’s my terrible rendition of it. No, I’m not going to become a monk (tempting though).
Typically, this would preclude me being anti-relationship, which complicates things as I don’t feel that way either. I’m completely open to love showing up and binding me to some girl that fits my criteria for the opposite sex, for a time. I wouldn’t even be mad. There’s this weird ambivalence I have right now in regards to all of this shit and, again, I’m completely centered about it. In the past, this would be me trying to convince myself otherwise, but now, it’s truly a thing I’ve been living for the past couple weeks unbeknownst to me.
I’m more interested in the experiences of people and that relation to me on a grander scale. I’m owed nothing, I expect nothing, and although attachments are the root of a lot suffering, attachments are also the root of humanity. To transcend that, is to leave a lot of people I care about behind, which isn’t the move anyway. If I were following my man Buddha, I’m supposed to teach people how to get here and I don’t think I’m cut out for that just yet. I legit just got here and I’m not sure how to stay to be honest.
But to be able to exit the hurricane that is life and see the world through a placid lens, I can’t really begin to explain what that felt like as I sat in that Rite Aid parking lot. It was wild.
Relationships are fluid; people flow in and out of my life then back again. Where and when this will happen is the fun part I believe. Especially considering what we’ve all picked up while travelling along our individual currents. Someone I thought was a creek flowing upstream, completely of opposite me, might turn into a tributary for my river or support my lake one day.
I’m only in control of two things (my actions and reactions) and in the grand scheme of things, I truly do not matter in relation to the billions of galaxies out there. I’m but a blip on the radar. 80ish years is a flash in the pan in the cosmos, but my life doesn’t span galaxies (that would be terrible).
My existence is framed in the context of a finite being making the most of this mortal coil and diving into nihilism would be wasting the gift of life I was afforded nearly 3 decades ago. So, I’m gonna take all of these flaws, all of this light, this new found sense of self and I’m going to go down this path. I have no clue where it’s going to take me, but all of me knows it’s the right thing to do.
The hardest part of this new found perspective is tempering my own humanity with it because I’m constantly wrestling with the rational angel and the carnal alley cat inside of me daily. It’s going be a bit of a challenge, but I’m ready. Everything about me is ready.
I’m not entirely sure what I wanted to convey with this post. It’s probably more of a dialogue with myself trying understand what’s blossoming inside of me. At least it’s a free show and bit of a distraction for whatever you’re supposed to be doing right now.
I told you this site was just the ramblings of a madman.