Part 1 for you rebels
So where were we? Ah yes, just scored a couple numbers. I decided to play it cool and leave because I was genuinely not trying to stay in the bar all day, super waste. The plan was to stumble into this cantina, but the way my laziness was set up, I decided to try a close bar instead. It was crowded, but not packed per se. Onesie people everywhere. I spot a tall light-skinned black dude, I say what up and we hit it off. He was blasted, more than I was, but still cognizant which was a feat. A drunk narwhal and a toasted pink pig talking shit at the bar, what a sight to behold. OG Pig says he’s gonna get some drinks, not a bad idea. We gotta get our drunkness going somehow. I’m looking at the list of specialty drinks and they’re all fairly lame.
Next thing I know, there’s 4 beers on the counter. OG Pig says one’s for me and the rest are for his friends. I thank him profusely, despite not liking beer, but it was a nice gesture. I knock it out and he kills his. One of his buddies show up and joins the fun. He asks if me and OG Pig know each other. Obviously we say no and this guy is amazed. I tell him it’s a black super power. Mind you, these beers are still sitting here. OG Pig says “Bro, I dunno where my friend is, but fuck it man, have at this other beer.” I was really hoping he wouldn’t say that. Before I wolf down another lager, I text Red and Blue saying I found a spot. Crickets. Womp, womp, womp. I wasn’t expecting much, but damn.
I pound what I thought would be my last beer for the night (foreshadowing!) and continue to shoot the shit with OG Pig before he dips. For whatever reason I decide to take a stroll down the restaurant. That’s when I get stopped by a woman in a lion costume talking about she was gonna eat me and in my drunkenness I legit got scared like please don’t. She was sitting with her friend, who I was standing next to and I was like “Damn, this lion’s friend is pretty cute tho.” But I was too drunk to try and be smooth so I just had a general conversation with them about stuff. I don’t recall much, but I do remember the line that Lady Lion said.
I couldn’t tell if it was to scare me away or just to see how I would react, but she said “Yeah I find my friend here a lot of nice Christian boys.” And I’m sitting here thinking “Well shit, I’m not nice and I’m the farthest from organized religion as can be, are my chances doomed with your friend or what?” Anyway, after being generously offered guacamole and chips, I figured to peace out because I didn’t have the balls to get her digits. Lady Lion stops me and tell me to find myself on Facebook on her phone and add her. And she’ll get us in contact with each other. So I’m like “Huzzah!” She was hooking it up for brotha that was way too gone to ask for a cute girl’s number in his current state. She was the real MVP. I give em both a hug and leave. I was feeling pretty good.
Fast-forward to the second-to-last bar on my trek where I enter and this random guy in a lion suit says “Hey man! Where the fuck have you been bro?” and I play along like “Bro, where the fuck have you been!” I get introduced to people and come up on more free drinks from new lion onesie friend. Some guys were on their way out, but stopped to say what up to Mystery Lion Man. I get introduced and they’re visibly wasted. Really nice guys. Except for the part where one of them asks “Bro, is that pacifier?” I had a strobing pacifier as a party favor from the bar crawl organizers. Mystery Lion Man’s like “Bro, don’t think about putting it in your mouth.” Don’t give him ideas man, what the hell. Next thing I know the guy that asked the question does just that. The whole thing in his mouth. What. The. Fuck. So my drunk ass is sitting here looking at this grown hairy man give fellatio to my pacifier that I already put in my mouth earlier that day.
After that spectacle I exit stage right into the main seating area because that shit was just too weird for words. I get flagged down by another person screaming “Narwhal!” Which is clearly my cue to join up. So I’m in this group of random people and I had just down 3 or 4 more shots and a mixed drink so I’m set. We hangout for a bit then head over to some random bar that evidently was featuring country music that night. But I was so lit it didn’t matter. The duo hit that shit and everybody, including me, went crazy. There was so much love and energy. I was confessing love for strangers, men and women, and telling them to be great.
I bonded with a guy over our mutual hate for country, but these boys were throwing down. I couldn’t even hate. One of my new crew gets me a Miller Lite and I want to cry, but I drank it out of obligation. Now I know what my pee probably tastes like. All the while, I’m trying to mac on this other girl who was clearly only into me for my costume, but I decided to delude myself. After their set, I really really had to pee. In the bathroom, one of the guys from my new group was in there. I asked him if Narwhal Lover Girl was single. He said “She dates a bunch of guys, but honestly bro, just go for it.” He was right, I should go for it.
Wrong. Upon exiting the bathroom, I was ditched. Fun. After circling the bar looking for my new group, I gave up and started to make my exit. Then a girl in a pink shark onesie told me she’s gonna eat me. Why can’t people let a narwhal live? She confesses that she wouldn’t actually eat me as I’m too blue and too cool. I thank her and I join a group full of women for a very interesting conversation. Suffice to say, somehow I ended up arguing with Pink Shark Girl about where the calculator I was born with actually was. Yeah don’t ask. It got so ridiculous, I ask for her number and she puts 11 my phone, being real cheeky. Her friends give her up and I get her digits. I call her right there and we continue arguing two feet away from each other like we have kids or some shit. I claim this fabled calculator is in New York at the Smithsonian and that Emilio (our mutual contact apparently) can get us there.
I argued with this girl at the bar, during a walk down Main Street, and it finally ended at this building where there were bathrooms. So all the girls go into the bathroom, presumably to figure out how to get rid of me. They exit, I continue to argue with Pink Shark Girl until I realize the situation at hand. I was purely entertainment. I stop mid sentence and just watch them walk off to their cars. I felt pretty dumb. So from elation, to in love with the moment, to emotional wreck. I was coming down from my high on the day. I legitimately didn’t know what to do while feeling that way. It was dark, cold, and I just want to curl up in a fetal position. I tossed my party favors, pacifier and all, into a random alleyway out of frustration. How could I be so naive and stupid? I let myself be vulnerable and I got burned. Alcohol made it hard to move on quickly.
I figure to lick my wounds at a coffee shop I frequent because it’s hipstery and I’m a closet hipster and it works. I stumble in knowing I look ridiculous and drunk. I ask the server, “Give me something that’ll help me forget.” She says, “Well, I’m sure there’s something else that can help with that.” I say “Yeah, been there, done that. Just get me something that’ll make me feel less shit.” She gets me a triple shot espresso that tasted like dirt and bathwater, but I didn’t care. Caffeine doesn’t affect me so I sipped my shitty drink next to some girl that was studying for the MCAT I found out after asking. From there I vented about the day and how it all went and how it ended in me whining about it in a coffee shop to a stranger studying for the MCAT. She was really nice. I ask her if she’s single and she says no and points to her boyfriend sitting adjacent to me. I say I can move if I’m cramping the style and she says no it’s fine, otherwise we’d be distracted. Fair enough. So I hang with my new buddies, we shoot the shit, I tell the boyfriend not to fuck it up and also tell them to be great.
By the window was a group of people, who I assumed were my age. I say my goodbyes to the love birds and see what’s going on with these cool kids. I end up sharing life advice and fixing a situation where one of the group had a male friend crushing on another male friend that wasn’t gay. I channeled my inner-Oprah and told him what’s what. Turns out these kids were 15, 17, and 18. I could of sworn they were early twenties. One of which was planning on doing the opposite of me: leave Metro Detroit for Cali. I told her I had connections and if she did end up down there at the Cal States to holla. There were really bright kids and made me feel good about the tail end of my generation. Maybe they weren’t all spoiled little shits. Maybe. After being #1 dad, I figured to leave with them. Lost my wallet for 45 seconds and one of the kids had picked it up fortunately.
We head out to the parking lot to refill their meters as we were going to get food. They had no change and I had no change so they had to jet. This was fine as I was pretty done for the night anyway. I queue up a Lyft, go home, talk shit on the internet for a couple of hours then pass out.
I am now a fan of onesies and day drinking.