We fly, Nolah®, BALLIN!

Alright, alright. I’m on board with space-age foam shit. I can’t even hate. After 1 day of sleeping on this Nolah mattress, I’m fuckin’ sold. Not gonna lie, thought I committed to some snake oil, but it’s legit, much to the excitement of my conscience and wallet.

It’s bittersweet to witness the end of an era. After 6 whole months of sleeping on an air mattress. I can’t say I miss being sore every other day nor do I think my neighbors will miss hearing a vacuum pump at 3am. To be fair, Costco, and by extension my friend, are the real MVPs. Paid $150 for 6 months better-than-the-floor slumber. Reminded me of my college days. I throw on some tunes from my Yamaha soundbar (so lit) and get crackin’, literally. I ended up breaking one of the plastic strut things 5 minutes in. Why am I like this. It was air-mattress or bust. And eventually, they did just that. You know it’s time when your air-bed becomes an air-couch. Don’t get me started on trying to bone on one of those things.

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The most Zen I’ll ever be. I’ve peaked.

Lewdness aside, I’d been keeping tabs on the likes of Casper, Nolah, and Purple for years although the prospect of spending nearly a thousand dollars on a mattress seemed ridiculous. Might’ve had something to do with the fact that I was making peanuts back then, my dad bought me a bed already, and I wasn’t completely sold on the fidelity of an all foam mattress. All of the above for $900 Alex.

Still, it remained on my radar to at least give it a shot one day if I ever found myself in need of such a thing. Cue the $125 sale this holiday, having a legit career job, and feeling like the Tin Man for the last couple months, it was certainly time to fulfill my destiny.

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IKEA Rule #398: You can’t build effectively on an empty stomach.

Everything from research, to purchase, to delivery were very smooth and I commend Nolah for their responsiveness, automated or not. I did worry about if the delivery person would be a bro and bring it up stairs. I was pleasantly surprised that was the case. Plus I adopted a panther, I mean really. Free feels? Don’t mind if I do!

As someone who works in the marketing world, it was hilarious to see all those damn banner ads and AdSense spots on the news website I frequent. I’m just like yo, I’m gonna buy it, eventually.

Anyway, the mattress was definitely in a box like the ads. Didn’t come with fine-ass woman so I was about ready to return the shit. The deception, unacceptable. I actually let it sit there for some hours because I had totally neglected to build the frame I got from IKEA specifically for it.I get out the shower and I’m staring at this thing half-naked like “Is this really legit though?” So I do what any other self-respecting adult would do, I jumped on that bitch. Boy, did I not feel like dealing with that shit this Tuesday, let me tell you. As much as I love LEGO for adults, IKEA can kiss my ass. They have the worst screws this side of the Milky Way, god damn. Not to mention I was missing a few pieces which fortunately I had duplicates of from my prior IKEA bender.

The real impetus for me toughing it out was that I had preemptively deflated my air-bed, not realizing how long this all was going to take. I had me a little pre-death party for my trusty nylon buddy that held me down since July. Whenever I decide have people over, I’m sure he’ll get used again. So anyway, I tear open the boxes, set up the semi-fake wood, and assess the situation. 23 steps, not so bad considering the amount of screws in that accessories box. I throw on some tunes from my Yamaha soundbar (so lit) and get crackin’, literally. I ended up breaking one of the plastic strut things 5 minutes in. Why am I like this.

3 hours later, with both my ego and wrist bruised out of frustration, the frame is complete and I’m ready to pass out. Sleep deprivation + 9-hour workday + IKEA = nah son. But I push through, drag the rolled up mattress out of the box and proceed to not follow directions. I start cutting the plastic and its going well until I cut into the layer that’s keeping the mattress rolled up. My friend told me to do it on the bed, the directions said “cut it on the bed,” and even my common sense said “Hey, you might wanna cut that on the bed.” But I had no more fucks to give so I kept cutting. Next thing I know, like they said, the fuckin’ thing starts expanding like a parachute. So here I am, trying to not get smothered while failing to drag this erecting mattress onto the bed frame. I honestly didn’t expect it to expand and form up that quickly, so that caught me off guard.

Missing that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, I just set it up on the frame. It smelled dank as hell though. Like cookies and cleanser. Weird-ass smell combo. Allegedly I could sleep on it right away, but I figured to shower first.

I get out the shower and I’m staring at this thing half-naked like “Is this really legit though?” So I do what any other self-respecting adult would do, I jumped on that bitch. And it was like jumping into a cloud, no bullshit. I lowkey started freaking out thinking I was going to sink into it and die. I pop up and the imprint I made was instantly gone. “Oh shit,” I thought. So I pressed on it with my hands, then stepped on it, then did the People’s Elbow because why the fuck not. No imprint. Well, would you look at that. Science bitch!

At this point I’m delirious and also excited. It’s nearly 2am and I had to get up at about 7 the next morning, so I was beyond fucked sleep-wise. wasted sleepingAlthough this was the real test. If I woke up the next morning not feeling like somebody just bashed me over the back and face with a metal bat, this whole night was a success. I get into the bed and it feels weird, but good. You know it’s time when your air-bed becomes an air-couch. Don’t get me started on trying to bone on one of those things. The dank smell is still there and I’m not sure I can really go to sleep on a mattress full of cookies and 409, but what choice did I really have? I actually don’t recall falling asleep. Just waking up to my alarm, pressing snooze about 3 or 4 times, sitting up and wondering why the fuck was my body not sore. Then I realized that maybe the hype was real.

I stood up then started feeling my back and my limbs like I just got out of a bad accident, trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

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Well this is weird. It’s kinda squishy.

It’s day 3 and I still don’t believe this thing actually helping me. I’m convinced there’s a Nolah rep breaking into my house at night and doping me up on opioids or something. There’s no way a mattress, by itself, is capable of making me feel like not-shit. It’s insane. Got me out here looking forward to naps more so than I already do. This some surreal shit fam.

 

I rarely review things because I’m either too disappointed to give a shit or too busy using it, but I will say, if you can afford the $900 price tag, definitely give this thing a shot. We’ll see where I’m at in 2 months. There’s a 120 night guarantee so I got plenty time to figure out if I like the cloud life or not. Take it from me, a frugal piece of shit that is starving himself because he’s too lazy to go to the store and had snacks for dinner tonight. Nolah is that shit. I didn’t think, as a professional sleeper and part-time panda, that I could appreciate sleep more than I already do, but I’ll concede that I was proven wrong. Bravo Nolah, bravo.

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My knees are ashy as hell. Start a fire with them bitches.