Well damn, it’s finally December. My birthday month. Also the month where I start to really get a feel for what I want to do with this lovely space of mine. IKEA, thy name is patience (or lack there of). It’s been a weird couple months though. Specifically in the everybody’s favorite realm: amor. Yes, my love life is about as catatonic as the chances of getting these clowns in office to actually not fuck over the American people. This is purely by choice and lack of motivation. Hell, it’s not even lack of motivation. It’s more a prioritization of my energy focus. The prospect of repeating the “Hey, I’m so-and-so, I do x y z, I’m into a, b, c, and I’m looking for 1, 2, 3” ad nauseam for another three months like a door-to-door salesman can really kiss my ass.
To summarize: I really don’t give a shit about anybody external that hasn’t already solidified their place in my life at this point. I mean I attempted to do OKC again, but I legit had about 3 or 4 messages from fairly attractive women (to me anyway) and I just logged off. That’s so uncharacteristic of me. I reply 95% of the time, but I truly just did not care. It was weird. I think what did it was visualizing the process; that whole song and dance; that period of trying to gain familiarity…ugh. I’m good.
“Well maybe you should go out and meet people.”
Yes, let me spend money on over-priced yet watered down drinks browsing for people IRL. That seems like an excellent idea Watson, case closed. They aren’t really overpriced, but for dramatic effect I had to get my hyperbole on. At any rate, it’s a load of shit and going out to bars, clubs, or other places with unscrupulous human beings doesn’t really jive well with this cat. I’d rather play video games all night and if I have to be social, it won’t be for long. I’m really on some “me” shit as cliche as that sounds. I don’t think I’ve ever achieved this level of apathy before and it’s slightly scaring me, but in a different way.
It’s not the edgy apathy, it’s not the destructive apathy, nor is it the faux apathy to hide behind until I get female attention. It’s some type of Super Saiyan type apathy that’s productive and positive despite the connotation. I really don’t know where it came from or how long it’s staying, but I’m not even mad. It’s a silent celebration of self in a lot of ways. I’m having a grand time with myself and still riding high on the fact that I made this Hail Mary work out against the odds (with help of course). I’m excited to get my place together, buy furniture, and really make this hovel my home. It’s a love for life I’ve got right now and the desire for a significant other is as distant as the sun; I notice the fly honey dips, but there’s zero motivation to pursue. I truly am on some other shit.
The funniest, to me anyway, is that I’m the only single person where I work. I’m the only single person in my friend group, and it’s been over two years since I’ve been in “relationship.” Flings are sprinkled within that time span, but it’s been about two months since I’ve messed with opposite sex on any level beyond borderline interest. Even then it wasn’t a whole lot. Last year, I would have been feeling some type of way about my current status. And that would be due to the fact that:
A) I lived at home
B) I was broke for the most part
C) I was looking for validation of my situation in my sexual/dateable worth
Now that things are on the level…well let’s just say the last song of the Poetic Justice soundtrack sums up my sentiments very well. Now I’m not impervious to feelings of “damn, lowkey wish I had a bae,” but those are fleeting and very few. Mainly because then I think about all the crap that comes with having to deal with someone other than myself on a regular basis. I’m not with the shits fam. I saw this post on a random FB page I follow and one of the admins asked the question: “List reasons why it’s a good idea to date you then list reasons why it’s a bad idea.” Very intriguing question that got some very honest answers surprisingly. I suppose when a question is posed in a manner that forces people to be authentic they’ll deliver. But that proposition got me thinking about some reasons for and against dating me. Self-deprecation and narcissism in one exercise? Sign me up.
Ironically enough, it was really hard to come up with reasons as to why I’m a shitbag because that’s a question I can’t answer objectively. But I could come up reasons why it’d be a good idea (obviously). Chief among the negatives would be that I’m an asshat through and through. I’m dismissive, snarky, and very critical even if I don’t say anything. Also I’m selfish with my time on occasion. But I’m not mean spirited in anyway. It’s just that sometimes my ego gets the best of me. I can thank a certain male for that one.
Lastly, I value deep connections a lot and if one is made, I expect it to be maintained from both parties if the vibes are right. I will feel some type of way if that’s taken for granted or cast aside. I just feel that’s messed up and that person will be written off for good normally. They only get the surface personality from that point forward. Clam up on ’em and whatnot.
In terms of positives, well the main ones there would be loyalty, patience, and overall lack of possessiveness which can be seen as a negative by some. If you do right by me and hook it up, I’ll go to bat for you every time. I rarely get frustrated or mad, which is probably why I attract abrasive alpha-types because they don’t phase me. I have nothing to prove nor a score to settle. I’m just chillin’ 99% of the time. Life is motion, fluidity is my core.
The possessive thing is double-edged sword. For some women it works, they don’t feel like they got their wings clipped and they can be free to be them, which is what I want too. I care about where they are and what they’re doing, but it doesn’t have to involve me every time. Go live woman.
For others, it’s an annoyance because it’s assumed that I don’t care entirely, which isn’t true. I don’t fuck with anybody out of charity. I stick around because I want to stick around, obligation be damned. But if I have to convince someone of that more than once then I’m out. I truly don’t have time to justify that. It’s silly and an indication of something outside of my control. I’m passive and go with the flow, but I’m not going to swim against a current. You wanna leave? Go head.
Even so, I don’t think I’m hard to date. There’s literally three things that are required. Leave me alone when I want to be alone, have some goals or aspirations, be a good person in general. There’s other non-negotiables that I might flex on, but those three are core.
In any case, I might start up the dating machine once I get this apartment together and get to a point when I can host/entertain folks. If anything, they’ll be test subjects for my hosting capabilities. If one or more snake their way past the trials then so be it. I’m still sleeping in my bed…diagonally…with no pants on. Deal with it.