The general consensus is that cheating and infidelity are big no-no’s. I’m of the same opinion; cheaters are the worst and once a cheater, always a cheater. That’s just sitch in my eyes. Despite this conventional wisdom, there is an aspect of humanity that’s rarely addressed. Those lovely instances of unwarranted attraction. Sometimes everything is perfect; the vibes, the conversation, the physical, the mental, the air, you name it. It’s a setup of setups. I feel like I’m being Punk’d when I find myself in these situations. Like somebody is just fucking with me and want to see me trying my damnest to remain cool while every cell is on fire. But is it wrong to feel attracted to somebody while being in a committed deal? Some would argue that’s as bad as cheating. I say nay.
I’ve been in a lot of situations where I was in a exclusive thing and was vibing with another woman hardcore. As a yungin’ I instantly felt guilty and tried desperately to kill those feelings. Why was I out here swoonin’ over somebody that wasn’t my main squeeze? “That’s not this is supposed to work,” I thought. Couldn’t shake it honestly and to my credit, nothing ever popped off, but I can confidently say that if alcohol was involved…well it would have been a task. And being on the other side of the spectrum like “We both know you got a boyfriend, let’s not even go there,” is hardly fun either. I’ve had to perform ritualistic sacrifices of budding feelings every now and then. It’s definitely something that gets harder the longer I ignore it.
As my sagely faculties grew, I started to really dissect those situations and assess if I was truly in the wrong for feeling how I felt. No one can help who they’re attracted to. That’s kind of the point. If everyone already knew, that’d be pretty boring honestly. You need those curve-ball heartthrobs to keep you on your toes and to keep you honest with yourself. So at this point in time, I don’t think attraction to someone is inherently wrong, but acting on it in the face of agreements I’ve already made, yeah that’s fucked. I find a lot of people underestimate the power of the animal brain, natural attraction, and alcohol. And a lot of people find themselves in those situations they subconsciously may have wanted, but consciously are counting how many ways they’re screwed.
“Bro, why are you even on about this cheating and fidelity thing right now? Sounds like you’re projecting.” Correct. I’ve found myself in this situation more than I’ve cared to admit over the course of my existence. And each scenario was slightly different sure, but the origin was identical. Now, how I proceeded after the initial vibe party, that was dependent on the person in question. And frankly, the more I see and the more I read, I want to stay single til I die. But I digress. The spark for this series of thoughts can be attributed to a friend of mine that brought it up through regular conversation. What I call “regular” anyway.
The premises were that monogamy was not natural, a significant portion of committed couples probably have cheated, are cheating, or have thought about cheating, and that those feelings minus the action aren’t inherently bad. This sounds like my friend is endorsing infidelity. She is not. Instead, what the proposition connotes is that – before society and rigid communal expectations – people were largely polygamous. That doesn’t mean they were jumping from one person to another indefinitely. What I believe it to mean is that people had many partners and after a certain amount they may settle down and stick with one for X amount of years then move on to someone else. How true this was, fuck if know. But it sounds fairly accurate to me since I was totally there and stuff.
When I think about though, that’s a lot to expect from one person. With monogamy, I’m assuming whoever I’m with will satisfy just about every need and desire that may pop into my tangled web of gray matter. With proficiency too. Sounds pretty ridiculous in that context. But there are millions, if not billions, of couples that have made that a reality with their 40, 50, 60-year marriages. I think that’s a beautiful achievement. To know that two people’s mutual love has lasted longer than some people’s entire existence…wow. Veritable proof that love is the strongest force on Earth next to the urge to take a shit after Taco Bell. It’s daunting to think about too. Can I realistically be in love with somebody for decades on decades? I’m not too sure, but when thinking about other non-romantic relationships it’s like, well I’ve been loving certain family members for a long as I’ve been alive. Surely I can learn to do the same in the romantic sphere. Or just direct that affection to a pet like some do. Or a blowup doll… Japan needs to hurry up with these sexy androids already.
Another aspect some forgot to consider is the disposition of the people they contend with. I, for example, am extremely monogamous because I have the emotional real estate of a postage stamp for romantic stuff. And there’s literally a corner left at this juncture in time. Like right near the price of the stamp at the top right. It’s hard enough to engage in conversations with strangers or other people that skirt along my periphery. It’s herculean to invite more than one person into my life romantically. Lastly, it’s Sisyphean to deal with sometimey people. I’m very black and white about this. Either you’re here or you’re not. I ran out of quarters years ago for games.
Hence why I can’t really stand dating. I legit can only do one person at a time. I tried having a rotation and I was a mess. Plus I’m lazy so people just were falling by the wayside. Plus nobody wants to be the fallback choice. There’s no conceivably positive way to tell somebody “hey so things didn’t work out with the other person so you’re all I got.” Combo that with impatience for this type of thing and you’ve got a recipe for a dry love life by necessity (and desire). Even with such limited scope, once that special person arrives I go all the way in and it lasts for years and years. I’m not one to hop around because of pickiness and perseverance. If I believe there’s something to be worth growing, I will not give up unless there’s a good reason to. Like not endorsing my Thai Tea addiction. Ugh.
Contrast this with someone who loves people and lives to interact daily. They thrive on the relationships they form and have so much to give they’ve got a revolving door of arm candy. On the surface it seems like they’re never wanting for love and affection. They may also only be single for a maximum of a few months at a time, often shorter. They may have a different problem though: long term commitment and boredom. Things will be great for X amount of months then either boredom or fear of being “locked-down” sets in. Or they just turn into needy narcissists. Fun. I don’t think it’s fair to say these people are more likely to cheat than someone with my disposition although that’s a deductive assumption. I think they have more opportunities to do so because of this wealth of interaction. That’s not to say these people are incapable of long-term commitment. I think everyone has the capacity for both and it’s dependent on life’s circumstances.
Back to this idea of attraction and “emotional cheating” that some believe is worst than an affair. What constitutes cheating, in my eyes, is engaging in something intimate that I would only share with a committed partner with someone else. I know what that is and what that isn’t based on that connection with my partner. Now if I’m connecting with someone in a real way that isn’t in those ways, then it’s fine. Sometimes I ride the same wave with people and it’s like I’ve known them for years when it’s only been hours. That’s called being human. So while I believe that monogamy is not “natural” in terms of what it means to be human, it is natural for me. And whether that’s because of society, my disposition, or my dating history, that’s what I prefer. I’m a selfish little bitch too so the idea of intimately sharing someone I consider a part of me with someone else goes against my sensibilities. I won’t get my gun if the homies can’t have none.
Shoutouts to my friend for challenging my opinions and thoughts on this matter. She’s pretty worldly so you know, she got that fancy perspective I want. Yet another reason why I need to travel. I always try to surround myself with good people with different opinions. I think that’s the real way to live. Echo chambers do nothing, but make you deaf, dumb, and blind to new experiences.
Obligatory “DEEZ HOES AIN’T LOYAL!”