Dignity and dollar bills

“…Just a minor setback in a long string of setbacks.”

This sentence came out of me during an interesting discussion involving shitty managers, navigating work politics, and how to stay sane amongst it all. Politics I no longer have to deal with, save for my final check, as I was “let go” on Monday this week. Definitely a year for firsts. I got pulled over last month and now this. Truth be told, I’m not even mad. I mean I suppose I was a bit miffed when I tossed my badge and keys at my manlet manager while saying “It’s been real, short nigga.” And it certainly was a real  experience dealing with retail for the first time ever. An environment that’s literally the antithesis to the very core of my being. I don’t like being bothered, I don’t like being fake, and I don’t like being tied to numbers.

I try to avoid sales at all costs because although I don’t know much, I do know that I’d rather be waterboarded than enter into that realm at all. That’s not to say I can’t do it. Of course I can. Everybody is selling something, tangible or not. Hawking crap at people is not my forte though. Persuading people, vendors, and companies into buying ideas…now that’s the money shot. That’s all me through and through.

Anyway, let me get back to that quote. The work itself at my former anti-starving gig wasn’t so bad. I actually did not mind interacting with some of the cool customers I met from time to time. Some were absolutely hilarious and matter-of-fact. Some were dumb as shit, but made for great “This guy” material. What I came to experience in verbatim was the notion of “it’s about who you work for more so than what the work entails.” This was the reality… To. The. Tee. The level of helicoptering, micro-managing, and seemingly infinite “one-on-ones” about the most asinine shit was unreal. I was wondering at what point could I actually do my job. Those moments were few and far between. The level of bullshit was not commensurate to the pay, that’s for sure. Every morning I had to drag my ass to such an establishment was a setback in itself.

As for what led to my termination, well let’s just say homie don’t play dat. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my dignity and self-worth for job security as this position was only a place holder. Bills don’t stop coming if I run out of money so that was its utility. And naturally, with such staunch defiance, I was targeted. Fine, I expected as much. I ended up being victim to a technological goof and took the fall yet was given another chance by the infinite mercy of my manlet supervisor. How quaint. Yet once he got shat on by his boss, all bets were off. The nail in the coffin boiled down to me not greeting a couple people and allegedly avoiding them. A cockamamie story to make me look like I wasn’t even trying (I was), but I truly didn’t give a shit. I was already thinking about leaving in the coming weeks anyway. They just beat me to it. But working 10-12 hour days (no overtime) and making sub 37k a year is clearly the tits though man. Homeboy just loves his job. A manager with 0 people skills, what a novel concept. Corporate Kool-Aid for the win.

This is the most minor of setbacks though. I’ve regained peace of mind and don’t feel forced to be something I’m not. I can’t say I’ve ever been in such a foreign environment. I don’t plan to be in one ever again unless they’re throwing sacks of money at me. Back to square three. I put about about 30ish applications since. We’ll see what happens. Oh and to keep the family drama train rolling, I discovered that my father is trying to sell my car behind my back. Lovely. I’m speculating that this is further retaliation for Hang-Up-Gate and a jab at me for using the stipend I got how I pleased. I paid for 90% of my car 4 years ago so as far as I’m concerned it’s mine.

The only snag is that the title is in his name. I never had it swapped over because it was moot and I didn’t plan on moving 2000 miles away on a whim. That’s not the kicker though. The best part is that he’s trying to sell it to my cousin who ended up contacting me about the situation. Real shit, I’m gonna be pretty disappointed if I see none of the money as I need it, it’s my car, and they both know this. But ultimately (and legally) there’s nothing I can do. If that’s how things go then so be it. My consolation will be that karma is real and that’s good enough in the worst case scenario.

In lieu of all these god damn setbacks, I’ve been listening to a lot of Zapp & Roger because Be Alright is the best “my life is kind of shit right now and I want to feel better” song ever. Can’t stay salty with More Bounce to the Ounce on either. Music, alone time, and wholesome conversation are doing work at keeping me positive. Those feelings of “I fucked up, this was a bad risk” are always nipping at my frontal lobe, but something to counter those feelings of inadequacy seems to arrive right on time, all the time. In my heart of hearts, I know I’ll be fine in the long run. I just don’t know when and being someone that wants to see everything despite having shit vision, it’s hard. I think I’m gonna make it, but sometimes I feel as though I might not. I pride myself on living on the razor’s edge with my work, but it’s not fun when it’s my life. At least not yet.

Uncertainty aside, I’m a firm believer in that most everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we may not know what that reason is until the events have already transpired and we’re sitting in that new situation like “how the hell did I get here?” I’m looking forward to that bit of reflection. It’s always fun to recap riding those waves of bullshit to something worthwhile.