Waffle Crisps exist (4, 5, & 6)

Never have I felt more like a side nigga than this moment. But it’s prolly just the result of my over active imagination and affinity for overthinking. Or I’m completely right about the behavioral shifts of these women that act like light switches out here. One minute I got the juice, the next I might as well be the ice that falls into grate underneath the Diet Pepsi. It’s so weird. Whatever. Certainly not my mission this month so the smart thing to do is to focus. But I’m not a smart man (sometimes). But let me recap the past three days as they have been a certain kind of busy.

The annual Lantern Fest was this past Saturday and per usual it was a blast. More than previous years because we were mobbin’ pretty deep. The weather was not anyone’s friend unfortunately and my lantern had to be put of its misery, despite my mad artistic skills. Feelsbad. Anyway prior to the Fest, I had an interview with a very sus company that, for lack for a better word, were unscrupulous. And by unscrupulous, I mean they were disillusioned asshats. The fact that this “interview” was on a Saturday should have been the first red flag. I mean I like waiting for 20 minutes to talk to some clown for 15 minutes as much as the next guy, but really? But to their credit, they were much more organized than the handful of crappy MLM/pyramid scheme/commission based sales companies so I got reeled in despite my bullshit meter going off. Sweet, sweet optimism.

Back to the Lantern Fest though, it was great fun and overall a wholesome experience…save for some choice scenarios. The first being some random young guy trying to spit game to my buddies gf, bless his heart. Legit came over to ask for a yellow marker, introduces himself only to her and was chatting away while five of us are staring at him like “So you just gon ignore the fact that there’s a handful of other people huddled around his woman?” Eventually he does, but he’s already exposed himself. His Charmander and Bulbasaur drawings were official though, props. These drawings eventually became his hail mary as he’s like “Oh dang, I see you have your own fire pit. Was hoping you didn’t so you can come over and hang with me and my family. Bummer.” Yeah man, she’s totally gonna ditch her boyfriend, friends, and the safety of not being kidnapped by some nerd with yellow-fever to chill with you. Solid strategy. I commend his gusto.

The second was the utter clusterfuck shitstorm of a lantern release at the end of the night. I’m very surprised nobody got third-degree burns at the end of it. I’ll never cease to be amazed at the stupidity of people and fire. I suppose laughing at things on fire nearly killing someone else has some comedic value. Or setting chairs and hair ablaze. How about small toddlers and the elderly? Gut busting fam. Anyway, we all failed because the wind was being the biggest cockblock ever. But we did release 3 or 4 community lanterns, yay redemption. I mean they barely made it over the trees, but it made for an epic photo op. Quick PSA though: Don’t take pictures of people without their consent. Wasn’t a huge deal on the whole, but a certain someone got a little trigger happy. Doesn’t bother me too much, but it was pretty visible that some in the group were fairly uncomfortable with that enterprise. But I digress. Overall it was an amazing night. Another one for the memory books.

After that crazy Saturday, Sunday was fairly tame. My peoples and I just chilled out. Though there was a scenario in the Malaysian restaurant us minorities encountered. Yes, it involved white people. Yes, it involved shitty discipline by said white people of their unruly spawn. Yes, everybody was mad uncomfortable with the cacophony of echoes from a spoiled kids mouth. I’ll be real though, I don’t believe all white people don’t discipline their kids. That’s not fair to the parents of some friends of mine that used beat them worse than a slave in the 1800’s. Red asses everywhere. But the 9 Asian folk plus me knew exactly what would happen if we were to act up in such a manner with our parents. I won’t bother to elaborate, but just know I wouldn’t be reporting my escapades if I pulled the same shit. I just need parents to understand that children under 8 years of age are still part wild animal and must be treated as such. Pop that little fucker and watch them straighten up faster than Trump walking in on Putin taking a shit.

Then we have the coup de grace called Monday, holy shit. So keep in mind I’ve gotten about 4 invites for job interviews in 6 days which would normally be awesome as hell if 3 of them weren’t bullshit commission shitshows. I go in for my second interview with the Shitbag Sales Monkeys (SSM) and again, I’m waiting over 20 minutes to get the show on the road. Funny side note, I got there about 5 minutes early then as I’m waiting I check my email seeing I got a reminder email from the receptionist about 15 feet away from me…10 minutes after the agreed time. Next level professionalism, so good.

I finally get called up for this “in-depth” interview by some corn-fed, baby-faced white guy. My man was literally ripped out of a Sport Illustrated magazine. Anyway, I sit in the same office as Saturday and I chuckle slightly as homeboy boasts about how we’re in “his” office. Mhmm, totally. The “interview” couldn’t have been more scripted, my god. Leadership, management, go-getters, blah, blah, blah. Dude was very rehearsed I’ll give him that.

We chat it up and shoot the shit for a little bit. I give him vague info about my background just to see how he’d react. Like a robot, he nodded and agreed despite the fact that I slipped in “Yeah I mainly do PR with serial killing on the side.” What the fuck. Here’s the money shot though. When I asked about compensation structure, his tune completely changed. I tell him straight up I’m not interested in commissioned based pay. He goes “Ooof, yeah we don’t use the ‘C’ word here. It’s merit based compensation.” Mhmm, so stealing is just permanent borrowing then or what? Fucking clown. I say “Okay but it’s still commission. There’s no base pay which means if I don’t whore myself out to these clients, I don’t get paid right?” Clearly I’m at my wits end and yet it’s not visible; that’s what we call tact. He dances around the question, speaking about how the company doesn’t let anyone fall through the cracks. Then he segues into a spiel about how the employees go on annual trips to Cabo, various places in the U.S. for vacation, and even internationally. To get his dumbass back on track, I ask what’s the average weekly take for a new hire. He says between $500-$700 depending on sales. Depending on sales….yeah no I’m good fam.

There’s more to that story, but I’m getting mad thinking about it so I’ll talk about the only real prospect I have at the moment. I aced the assessment tests except one, where I scored an 80%. I’m thinking that’s fine because the average is 74%. How wrong I was as I received an email requesting that I retake the test to get a score of 90%. Alright. I take it again, 80%. Hmm. Am I fucked? Maybe, but the part that doesn’t make any sense to me is that it’s literally a 2 answer difference between 80% and 90% (20 questions total). And a lot of the questions were fairly ambiguous and housed acceptable answers that may not be the “best” but are not inherently incorrect. Stupid. Suffice to say, it’d be nice to land the interview, but I’m not holding my breath if they’re gonna be cutting people for missing 2 questions from the “threshold” of 90%. Kiss my melanin’d ass.

And no update is complete without a field report of my non-existent love life. Haven’t really been focusing on it at all as I’m not valuable in any capacity right now and again, that’s not the goal of my tenure. Actually don’t know how to feel about the few women I’ve exchanged contact info with out here though. I feel like I’m just gonna do the Slow-Fade™ until I get pulled out of the shadows by one of them. Maybe VV will be the one as she was pretty assertive, but she’s being weird. I ended up calling because maximum thirst and she hung up about 45 seconds later. Mind you it was 12:45am, but she called me last Friday around the same time before I was about to sleep because of that Saturday interview and I humored her for 40 minutes. Lowkey miffed, but she does have to drive fairly far from her vacation spot tomorrow so she gets a pass. And I kind of forgot to invite her to the Lantern Fest…eh I suppose I deserve it. She said to text her, but I don’t know if she meant tonight or the next day. If she was tryna sleep then tomorrow makes sense or I’ve earned more dog-house days. Honey management is hard guys.

Oh and don’t expect me to come back to LA. They have Waffle Crisps here. God is real af.