It’s been a while no doubt. All this preparation and logistical analysis for my Michigan bootcamp has been interesting. I’ll be featuring a special series for the whole duration with daily posts so look out for that friends. Anyway, I found myself getting my creep on this week. Well I suppose it’s closer to boredom and curiosity than anything. For whatever reason, my short list of high school crushes was on my mind. So I did what any inquiring soul would do: Facebook research. Can’t say I’ve ever really cared to look them up, but this week was the week of discovery. Naturally, I’ve heard stories from various folks about their whereabouts, but there’s nothing like the evidence on a silver platter.
I’ll start off with my favorite discovery. Now this jawn (Hi Philly) was arguably the most sought after girl in the entire school. Now if people admitted as much remains to be seen, but suffice to say, she had it going on. And of course I had homeroom with her, sat next to her and had to witness the ceaseless amount of thirst that she deflected daily. It was bad for the first couple weeks. Fortunately it died off about a month into the year. She ended up befriending some other dude who was better at hiding his affinity for her than the common fodder. He got in pretty deep too. Don’t know how far he got outside of being friends, but I lived through him as I could not muster the courage to even hold a legitimate convo with such a beauty (at that time).
Fast-forward to graduation, ol girl is sitting next to me. I figure since this is will be the last time I ever see her probably, I offer her some gum to get the party started. What did I have to lose? I came to find out my dignity was to be shredded. A simple “no” would have sufficed, but she went for extra credit on the rudeness. Didn’t phase me though. I had gum and she didn’t (she loved gum). Five minutes of smacking extra hard got to her apparently because she reconsidered her rude position and asked for a piece. I should have told her no, but I had a goal in mind. So I cave andddd silence. I think I added her on Facebook later, tried to chat her up, but back then typing as though one was experiencing a stroke was hip so the Grammar Nazi in me couldn’t deal. I mean what am I supposed to do with “yEa das coo mAynE, mIzZ <teacher> wUz 4evR uN dAt b00shIeet LoL. eYe gIt u lieK miI n eRRytheN bUt im gUd. jUs chiLLen u nO?”
Nearly had a fucking aneurysm typing that, dear lord. But yeah that was the state of things. So what is GumHater45 up to now? I’m cracking a huge smile writing this, but she is an urban smut writer. Yes. Writing steamy ratchet novels for a thirsty fan-base of bad, bosses and real bitches. With a sub-set of basic and normal women who hide their addiction to the drama. It’s pretty amazing really. Going from not understanding what a space bar is and how to spell “everything” to crafting novelas for those who hunger for juicy hood fantasies. I can’t even hate though. I think it’s awesome, but just really out of character for her.
I mean I didn’t know her that well, but stringing together coherent sentences for money was not the career path I would have predicted for her. And she’s poppin in Barnes and Nobles y’all; homegirl is a big deal. Then again, considering the success of the 50 Shades series, I’m not too surprised. But the hood angle is a great niche that I think a lot of women of color secretly want to lose themselves in. The real question though: does she look the same? I’m pleased to report she’s still pretty damn cute and has not gained 100+ lbs; also childless, go figure. Admittedly, there was a flash of interest that quickly passed as I read her recent posts. You can’t be misspelling arrogant as an author. Jesus wept.
Onward to my second favorite (awkward) discovery that doesn’t really count, but I’m going to share it anyway. Now this girl was actually a crush that carried over from middle to high school. She went to a different school, but I saw her often enough because she had a lot of friends at mine. Limited interaction, but she was a dime back then to me. I found out she was closet nerd and lover of Magic the Gathering that faked her way to the popular circle…so much wasted potential. Suffice to say once I exposed her (in private) she quit it altogether because she thought I was gonna snitch. Yeah right. I had to no clout with the cool kids anyway. Pretty sad overall. I did scope my first pair of panties on a girl through her charity though (oh baby). She eventually ended up being an accessory to the popular bully/jock on campus. And then she disappeared one year. I mean I heard about her, but I never saw her again. So what is our illustrious closet-nerd wannabe-popular-kid now?
Bear with me now: she’s a porn star. Yes. I mean at least she still wears glasses (probably fake). How did I come into this knowledge? Did I do a random search on Pornhub? Oh ho ho! I’ve more tact than that friends! I actually was informed by an old high school friend that has no shame. As our conversations tend to devolve into a “Yeah then I banged X Y Z” regularly, he sensed I was bored. In an attempt to get pique my interest, he mentions FakeNerd69 was in fact doing adult films. I almost choked on whatever I was drinking. Clearly I thought he was talking out of his ass. Oh, but he expected my incredulity and pulled up some compelling evidence in a moment’s notice. I didn’t bother asking why he had it on tap and then I started thinking about how I just shook this guy’s hand 30 minutes prior. Soap is a god-send. Anyway, it’s her; in all of her…glory? I couldn’t even look for long. The whole scenario was so surreal. I mean most dudes who saw her lips surely had some R rated thoughts about where they would look nice (me included), but damn; talk about putting it to practice. Clearly she was making some money because she had quite a bit of work done let’s say. Her Twitter and Facebook were poppin’ though. I got a couple chuckles out of her fan praises and responses. Sex is recession proof.
This brings us to our final revelatory intel discovery. Now this one was particularly interesting because I actually had a bit of a rapport with this girl. She was always nice to me and generally was a beautiful human being (inside and out). I really liked her for just being so down-to-earth despite being friends with all the popular kids. Occasionally she’d invite me to hang with them, but I’d always decline because I couldn’t stand five minutes with those people. In retrospect, I probably should have suggested to hang one on one, but I don’t think she was into me per se. I think she just thought I was chill. Anyway, I probably hadn’t seen her since my college years as she did come by maybe once or twice to visit some of our mutual acquaintances. Often it was at some random party or function where I’d steal a dance or two off her to the chagrin of whatever side dude she had at the time.
From what I recall she was fairly slim, but had the juice where it counted. If I fell asleep in her lap I wouldn’t wake up, let’s just say that. She had them hotel thighs. Upon recent inspection…uh…yeah. It’s not like morbid obesity status, but she can afford to miss some dessert entrees, just sayin. She definitely treading the line between thicc and fat. About a dozen Krispy Creme donuts from the latter, but I guess that’s what happens when you living large. Well at least that what her page connotes. Between the shitty relationship quotes, pyramid scheme posts, and the sheer amount of filtered Instagram pictures I can’t really tell how much she “ballin”. Certainly not judging, but I can’t help but wonder if chasing popularity got the best of her. Who knows.
Which begs the question, what do people think when they creep on me (if ever)? I don’t post anything outside of these blogs post, the random music track or my affinity for a new artist. I do talk a lot of shit on the page and in person, but I mean well. Most of the time anyway. I highly recommend creeping on crushes though. I’m all about that humbling ego boost. I mean what she think would happen when she rejected my Cinnamon Trident offering? Pffft. Justice was served.