I’m content and it’s fucking weird. I’ve come to this realization post hangout with my bae-in-training. Said would-be-bae has dropped some knowledge on me tonight that confirms that I’m definitely not the only one (as expected). Which is fine. Timing is everything and I can’t hate on my man that was here long before me. Apparently they’re dating, but she’s still deciding if taking that next step is going to be a good idea. Fair enough, my role this month is to show up late to situations (both professional and romantic) where I would prolly be the best choice had I been around from the jump. Que sera sera. I like transparency and being honest so I during our long conversation I threw some feelers out there to see what the deal was. Of course I didn’t explicitly ask how she felt about me and this situation at hand because that assumes a host of things that I don’t believe are true. Allow me to elaborate.
Under normal circumstances, I’d be all-in tryna prove that I’m the right choice and that entering into a situation with me would be beyond beneficial. I mean check the resume, my references will vouch for me. At the same token I’d be pretty crushed discovering that my honey dip is dating some other dude while hanging with me on the regular. Now this was me about a year ago or so. A hot fucking mess of a man ready to love 1000%. But now, after all my year long dating escapades, I’m in a good spot. I know what I want, what I don’t want, and how to deal with the logistics of investment. So I didn’t bother asking how she felt about me because I honestly am not 100% on how I feel about her. Well let me quantify that. I know for a fact that I would be stoked to date her exclusively, even enter a committed LTR, but I’m aware of the circumstances of choosing up. I’m not a prime nigga right now. Optimus done stole my shit for his next cash-out Transformers movie. Fucked up, I know.
I’m very sensitive to the fact that I’m pretty much living on a prayer at this point and it’s very possible this won’t pan out and I’m gonna be single until further notice. I’m perfectly fine with whatever outcome and it’s weird to me. I keep playing scenario after scenario in my head and each permutation is okay to me. Have I reached a Zen place within my dating microcosm? Is it possible that I am now truly embodying the Taoist doctrine of flow and letting the world, the people in it, and forces, all of which is beyond my control, will themselves without expectation? I was never really a possessive person to begin with, but holy shit this is scary. And it’s not even that I don’t care about her or the situation. I do, quite a bit, but I also understand that it’s out of my hands. I’ve said what I had to say and all there’s left to do is act until further notice. My only recourse is what I do, what I say, and how I do them both. She can take it or leave it.
It’s funny because, no bullshit, I’ve been gunning for her since late January and things have been going great friend-wise. There’s been other women and other situations, but I had to level with myself one day. I had to admit that I wanted to be with her, as cheesy as that sounds. And if/when she reads this I’m gonna look stupid, but that’s okay. All I can be is real. She’s beautiful, fucking hilarious, down to Earth, open, real, honest, perceptive, receptive, reciprocal, and genuinely gives a shit about a lot. Her drive for excellence and the confidence she exudes…it’s intoxicating and inspiring. She’s the type of woman that will leave you behind if you aren’t on your shit and trying to better yourself.
But despite that ambition, she’s tender and nurturing. We’re both in the job market struggle party bus and she’s so inspiring, always asking “Is that what you wanna do? Don’t sell yourself short.” Along with a whole host of encouraging shit like that. It’s nice to have somebody in your corner that believes in you and your abilities. At the risk of cupcaking too hard here, she’s the woman I could see myself with for an extended period of time. I’ve met tons of women that have embodied parts of what she brings to the table, but she’s the first to package it all together, basically a unicorn in a way. Or I’m blinded by my affinity for her and my desire for something real, who knows. Maybe it’s the clarity and lack of guessing needed. We’re all getting older and the time for games has long since died. But what I do know is that I can’t get over this level of ambivalence I have for this situation. Whatever happens, happens and I’ll adjust accordingly.
Another reason probably lies within my own uncertainty of the romantic sphere. It’s been so long and relationships are skills, not states. There’s gonna have to be significant investment from both ends and I’m not completely sure I’m ready to do that on top figuring out my life shit. I feel like I’d be okay with it, but being with someone will cost financially, emotionally, and spiritually. Three avenues that are already been drawn upon, albeit not heavily, but there’s some drain. It’s one of those things where I know I’ll rise to the occasion if given the impetus. If ol girl is like “Hey, let’s do this thing,” I’m gonna be ready to jump. But if not, then I opt for plan B, envelope myself in singleness and fall off the face of the Earth for a couple months. I need to finish these fucking games, my god. Actually that’s another great reason for me to get fucked by her (literally would be great), I have five games I need to finish. It’s funny because she wants to borrow one and depending on how things go, she might never get that chance on my dime (I’m gonna lend it anyway let’s be real).
I dunno, I don’t like asking pressure laden questions such as “So do you like me?” “What are we?” “Where do I rate among the guys you’re dating?” While all of these are valid questions, they’re self-defeating. I adopt the philosophy that if someone is interested, they’ll show it before they say it. Sometimes intentions overlap the friendship/dating barrier and what’s when things need to be clearly understood. Until that point, I let people do what they’re gonna do. You wanna chill? Great, let’s chill. You wish I was never born? Great, glad my existence is detrimental to your health. As much as I like to talk to my crushes, I never sweat them. I’m not going to get a faster response if I’m spamming them. And if anything, the response will be “Lose my number creep.” I just let shit ride. With the flow I go.
It’s new to me to be resolved to either outcome. I feel this wealth of affection for this girl in the pit of my stomach. Literally boiling over from being held in so long. Though at the same token, I’m ready to pour it all down the drain soon as I get the sign or the talk about how shit isn’t going to work out. I guess I’m just ready to do and/or die. In all honesty, if this doesn’t work out I’m gonna be done with the dating scene and women in general for an extended period of time. Nothing against the fairer sex, but y’all tiring as fuck. *Basic bitch mode* I’ma do me and get my ownnnn. But seriously, some prospective things are in the works professionally and I rather focus on that than figure out my next target of affection. Gotta build my house before I host parties. Ain’t nobody tryna turn up in the alley (I mean I’d be down).