Pacing for $120 Alex

It’s been a week since my last post which doesn’t really seem all that long ago, but compared to the previous attempts at this, I’m doing pretty damn good. There was lots of stuff going on so I legit just wanted to veg out this last week and not think. Plus it doesn’t help that I picked up four PS4 games and Mass Effect Andromeda. Then Dawn of War 3 at the end of April. Gonna be a busy summer for ya boy.

That all being said, I recently encountered some situations where I probably should have been more vocal about the pace at which things were going. See, I’m very fluid. I go with the flow of things without much resistance because that’s my disposition. Path of least resistance, let everyone do their things, and react accordingly. But sometimes you have to make a decision or suffer being pulled in deeper than you want to be. And this can extend to all facets of life. Romantic, platonic, professional, familial, I mean the list goes on. But yeah so I’m sitting here getting roped into all kinds of madness and I’m like “Shit, I probably should set some boundaries and put the brakes on some of this stuff because it’s too much.”

So I half-way committed to this course of action and I nearly got rekt, but I survived. And it’s not like I haven’t experienced this situation on multiple actions throughout the years. Lord knows I been in some shiet. But it’s been awhile since then so I was kind of naïve in a sense I suppose and being willfully ignorant with some greed thrown in there. Honesty isn’t easy, but I think being honest with myself then projecting that honesty onto the situation by which I’m faced ,is the hardest thing of all. Which is why it’s great to have a support system to facilitate that and so they can tell you to stop being stupid.

Pacing…it’s more important that a lot of people think. I think it’s probably more important for those of us that need a lot of time to make decisions and that are very guarded in this way. It’s easy to get swept up in the moment, but once I get home to reflect on what the fuck just happened I’m like “Yeah I dun goofed.” That is me though; I’m an introvert through and through. I live my life internally, I get excited about ideas and potential discussion about ideas, and I have to exert energy when I’m around people. So pacing is a cornerstone of my essence. That’s kind of the curse of being very methodical and plan oriented. Crack decisions and rash decisions scare the fuck out of me. It’s like going into a 4’ by 7’ hole. It’s dark, it’s cramped, I can’t feel my way, there’s no guidance, and I’m just stuck. Improvisation requires a bit of planning and thinking so that’s fine. My whole life, at this moment, is nothing but improvisation. Food to family situations and everything in between is a giant “what the fuck should I do now?”

While pacing is integral, there are situations that won’t allow for control. This is especially true in the professional sphere. I expect to be slightly overwhelmed by a new position because I’m new, fine. But that eventually lessens to a point where it becomes rote and routine; I can do it in my sleep and can devise solutions to random problems that arise, great. But those times where the whole god damn world seems to have it out for me and there’s no recourse, but to manage it as best I can, those are the shit days. Where everything, and I mean everything, is going wrong. Pacing doesn’t exist in that scenario. It’s a different kind of pacing. I’m walking back and forth trying not to lose my goddamn mind and wondering why the fuck Carol can’t do her job right.

Barring that situations with Carol and her shitty work ethic, pacing is important for one major reason (for me) and that’s burnout. Because when I burnout, I fucking burnout. To the point where my own mother has to check in and make sure I’m not dead underneath someone’s house. I just want to do nothing, but go so far inside myself I can see how my liver is doing. Basically exit the world for a week. And I’ve seriously hurt people doing this. People who couldn’t understand why I needed to be left alone for a few days or a week. Why I declined an invite to hangout for the nth time. Why I didn’t want exist for that period of time. And some of those people are still around, some aren’t. The important part is that I didn’t compromise my pacing to make someone else comfortable. That’s something I’ve struggled with for a while and up until a few years ago, I was always molding and adapting to situations even if they severely inconvenienced me.

So now, getting older and losing patience, I gotta protect my investments. Sanity is precious and so is time. I’m a fourth of the way into the grave so I haven’t much time to lose on bullshit and undesirable compromises. It’s imperative I look out for #1 while making sure my impact isn’t infringing upon other people’s autonomy. But a brotha gotta get his and a honey dip with some kids (so not looking forward to kids). *Incoming cliché* Life’s a marathon, not a race. If you spend your time tripping people to get ahead, karma will catch up and break your legs.