Daily Double: Children as a Life Sentence

Finishing the 4th season of Maron left me feeling a bit weird. I thought it ended fine, but the theme of shitty parental relationships weighed on me quite a bit. Not because my own paternal relationship is identical to Marc Maron’s; actually it has to do with my potential future as a father and my ambivalence toward the idea of children that are mine. It’s certainly something I haven’t been investing a lot of brain power into. It’s not keeping me up at night by any means. The scenario becomes the realest when I’m watching movies or shows dealing with these motifs. And my dad has been dropping hints about grandchildren, marriage, and other adult things that pale in comparison to my primary goal: killing off this box of Crunch Berries before my sister comes back.

I don’t know, it’s weird. I don’t have an underlying urge to start procreating and I feel like I never will until it’s too late. Maron’s character had a similar outlook that I kind of relate with. I think I’m too selfish for kids. Not only will I have to sacrifice some things I want to do to raise this child, their life takes precedence over mine in way. I have to pause everything I was doing and everything I was tryna do to make sure they’re developing properly. That all seems like a serious drag. Plus I can barely take care of myself, much less a human baby. They’re so useless. At least a puppy can run around and occasionally piss  you off. Babies are just assholes. Crying at awkward hours then you gotta play rock-paper-scissors to figure out why they won’t shut up at 3:30am. You finally get them to sleep only to have them wake up 45 minutes later because you don’t have work at 7am obviously.

I said I was ambivalent though so while I have the capacity to shit on a baby’s existence, they’re wonderful creatures. Wonderful because they’re the product of love (sometimes), malleable, and will carry on my legacy after I die. Not much of a legacy so far, but it’s nice to have a successor I guess. It’s one of those things where I’m sure if I ended up with a kid in the next 5 years it will change me in ways I couldn’t imagine. For better and probably for worse too. But it’s an experience I’ll never be able to predict in regards to my reaction. I think kids scare me because I’m in no position to support one. It would be wildly unfair and irresponsible to bring another life into this world just to suffer with me. I’ll get a goldfish or a pet daddy-long-leg. Something I don’t have to worry about. And if it dies then I can say “hey man, that’s the circle of life.” If you’re applying that quote to babies you’re probably a sociopath.

When you’re a parent, you’re a parent for life. You pay for the first 18-25 years of this life sentence then after that you still have to keep tabs because they’re going to need guidance, advice, and potentially bail at various stages of their lives. Plus you can’t have them out there making you look bad, let’s be real. The perks of having a remote-getter, chore-doer, and excuse to avoid social situations don’t seem too appealing. But seriously, being witness to a mini-me growing up would be too much for me to handle. I’m already having issue watching my sister deal with the madness of tweenhood. All that pre-pubescent angst being directed toward our dad. I can’t imagine being the object of scorn and disdain. What a terrible situation. It’s hilarious to spectate though, I can’t get enough.

My outlook isn’t too conducive for dating though. The closer I get to 30, the closer I fly towards the “give me a baby” types. That’s not to say every woman in her late twenties and early thirties is looking to be knocked up. It’s certainly in the heads of some of them though. On top of that, some have already popped a couple kids out and are looking for some step-dad action. I’m definitely not keen on the idea, but more power to them. I did have an interesting conversation with a friend on this very topic. It basically boiled down to “what is the catalyst for men to want kids?” There are men out there that have that paternal fever, but a larger portion of us rarely catch baby-fire like that. The real key to activating the paternal urge in a man is when he finds woman he would love to raise children with. That’s when he goes from “meh, kids” to “AY BAYBEE LES GO!” 

I’m pretty sure that’ll happen to me if kids enter the picture. It may seem like I don’t want kids ever, but I’m seriously okay with either outcome. My only criteria is that if I do have kids, that it be with the woman I plan on being with until I die at 100 holding a video game controller. That’s my only requirement for kids. I’m not tryna have 3 baby mamas, juggle multiple families, multiple instances of people hating me, and multiple periods of contemplating suicide because nobody will leave me alone for 5 minutes. If I never have kids, then I’ll just transfer that pressure to give my parents grand kids to my sister, problem solved. I’ll be out in somebody’s country while she’s getting grilled.

“Sorry sis, this pizza from this random guy in Italy is just too good for me to start a family right now. I’m gonna have to pop over to Switzerland in a few weeks and make sure the Alps are okay. I just won’t have time to inseminate my wife, sorry. But the sex is great, don’t worry. We’re golden.”

I want to believe I’d be a super fun dad with nurturing spirit, but despite my ocean of patience, I don’t think that applies to children. I mean I get frustrated over this damn dog in no time flat so I don’t think there’s gonna be much hope for me and my defiant half clone. I don’t think it’ll be developmentally advantageous to be Tombstoning toddlers out here either. I personally see nothing wrong with letting these monsters know that they’re all Jabronis and there’s a Stone Cold Stunner waiting for that smart mouth. Gotta start em young. Kids love me though so that’s a good sign that if I do end up with a munchkin of my own, they won’t really have a reason to hate me. Unless the kids I’ve encountered were all in on some sick joke to lull me into a false sense of security about their kind. Then if/when I have children of my own they’ll indoctrinate them and make them hate me. I’m on to you tiny humans, y’all ain’t slick.