Globe trotting for $400 Alex

If you want to irritate me in record speed, show me a dating profile of a woman that has “loves adventures and travel.” Bitch everybody fucking loves adventures and travelling; it’s the human condition. We’re wanderers. We don’t like being in one place for too long. No shade to the basic wenches of the world, but seriously. Everybody’s contracted the travel disease or is on the brink of it. Except me.

Now this isn’t to say that I never want to leave LA. That’s certainly not true, but I don’t have this burning desire to go be a nomad in random ass countries. And I’ve recently encountered some people (today) that kind of scoffed at my  preference for not going ape shit on the globe trotting. As though I’m wasting my youth travelling locally and domestically. Such a fool I am to not be on the first plane out of the country only to land in bumfuck middle-of-nowhereland eating local delicacies of rats and dirty bathwater. I’m being facetious, but my point is that I’m not uncultured swine because I’m not out here being Carmen San Diego. You can find a lot of geographic enlightenment with a full bottle of Patron and Lyft.

Some people will really make you feel that way and I’ve never understood why. I’m cool exploring what’s closer to me because I find beauty in the inconspicuous. I stay finding random geographic gems around my city, much less my state. I mean my trip up to San Jose a couple weeks ago further solidified that Cali is too big a god damn state. I can’t wait til we break off and become an island. Going to another state is like going to another country for me honestly. The differences between LA, Austin, and Detroit/Ann Arbor are enough to sate my closet wanderluster. And I’m looking forward to going back. Even still, LA in and out of itself will take me decades to truly explore. There’s so much shit here. So I understand if you’re in a town of 10k people; I’d be ready to sell myself to the nearest trafficker. But not for a large metropolitan area, you gotta be insane or uncultured to be bored for long.

The real reason why I haven’t had the urge to hit up other countries is because I’m just not at that point yet. I feel like once I’m older and established I’ll be able to appreciate the trips overseas more. I’m not gonna be worried about packing as much as I can into whatever the allotted vacation time I got. I won’t be worried about the cost of everything and having to budget super hard for it. Lastly, I might have someone to go with. That’s a large part of it as well. Thing about having a small circle of friends is that you really gotta ration out the group vacation time because everybody has lives to live. On top of that, as a part time misanthrope, I’m not too keen on travelling with people I don’t know. That’s a level of trust and vulnerability I haven’t reached and probably won’t reach in my lifetime. In my comfort zone, fine I’ll deal with clowns in LA. In another country where I only trust the white woman in my phone yelling directions at me? Nah son, I’ma need somebody to have my back.

So in a way I guess I’m waiting to travel in the sense that I just don’t feel ready or the need to. Somebody I know is shipping off to Dubai for an unspecified amount of time and it surprised me because that’s just so…sudden? Random? I don’t know. The course of my general conversation with people doesn’t usually end with an announcement of a trip halfway across the world. But I think it’s awesome and I hope she’s out there for at least 2 weeks. I’ll be damned if I got on a plane for that long only to come back a week later. My legs would have been barely 100% by the beginning of week 2. At the same token, you have to know how people are. Some are just built for the “see you in a month” life. That’s them, that’s how they operate. I gotta let people live and let them do their thing. If they come back, awesome. If they don’t then I just wish em the best and hope I don’t see them on TV about to get beheaded. Just sayin.

I think the funniest part is when people tell me or when I see some of friends get their travel on I’m like “I wanna go!” Then I realize I don’t. Like I do, but I don’t. It’s weird. It’s akin to seeing the waiter with somebody else’s food pass by you so you assume it’s yours. Then when they go to another table you’re like “Well what the hell, I thought that was mine?” Only to find out they ordered liver and onions. You hate liver and onions so you’re fine waiting for your plate of not-shit. Travelling is a lot like that for me. I get wind of people travelling, I get jelly. I find out they’re going to some wack-ass country I wouldn’t even register on the map then I breathe a sigh of relief. Followed by stifled laughter usually.

If I was to travel and just leave tomorrow…I’d need my passport first (I know I’m retarded). But say I had my passport and I was leaving this traffic-infested-high priced hell I call LA, I’d be popping down to Argentina for sure. The countries in South America are lit fam. Latin music, stacked women, carefree culture, and just an air of “live your fucking life” is so alluring. Sure there are negatives, notably being the lack of development in some areas. Severely impoverished communities and rampant ethic disenfranchisement are a thing, but I’m not living there so it’s fine. I’m just tryna get my Rico Suave on one time and be out with a story or two…STD free of course.

Next on that list would be hitting up Japan because as a huge nerd and lover of anime, I gotta pay homage to the people that made it possible. Plus the crazy tech that comes out of Japan…too interesting. There’s also like a section of Japan that worships black culture and I’m looking for some disciples. And by worship I mean they have super tans, black face (racist, but endearing), the door knockers, the Adidas, the whole nine. They got us down to a science. See I’m okay with that type of cultural appropriation because Japan is the definition of homogeneity. Cogs and sprocket society for real. Lastly, ain’t nobody having sex  out there so you know, I gotta do my civic duty and get some waifu booty. Gotta spark it up. Though I will say the whole hologram girlfriend thing is very unsettling. It texts you at work, it’ll watch TV with you on the couch, it’ll wake you up in the morning. It’s the real deal y’all. Women are fucking doomed if those start coming with autonomous female robot dolls equipped with fleshlights.

Female obsolescence aside, travel is ingrained in us homo sapiens and will never be bred out. There’s something about just packing the essentials, leaving without notice, and enjoying a change of scenery that can rarely be distilled into an explanation beyond “I got the bug.” To which degree this happens varies and I believe everyone has a puberty-esque relation to it. When it drops, it drops. Having wet dreams about travelling and shit. Waking up in a cold sweat screaming “ZIMBABWE!” at the top of your lungs. That whole thing. I feel like when it comes for me I’m gonna be in a precarious predicament that may or may not involve my offspring. God I hope not. Kids are the worst.