Catfish recipes

I wouldn’t say that I’ve legitimately been catfished before. But I have been in situations where homegirl misrepresented herself. A situation I found myself in recently. Now everybody is shallow, me included, but I give nearly everyone a chance so long as they don’t start waving red flags right away. Sometimes people legitimately have off days, but there’s a threshold. So let me paint you a lovely picture of how I lowkey played myself for 6 hours. Now I’m not shitting on – we’ll call her Lisa/Tia – at all. I actually enjoyed hanging out with her and having a substantive conversation about a wide ranging array of topics. Topics that included weed, life goals, LSD, family, MDMA, and weed. Truly riveting conversation.

I met her at this hipstery healthy food spot. In our text conversations she harped on how cleanly she was eating so I figure to suggest this place. Funny enough, she’d been wanting to try it, badass. I park in the structure and walk down the alley to the connecting street when I get a phone call.


“Hey I see you!”

“Are you sure it’s me?”

“Yeah you’re wearing (what I was wearing)”

“Are you behind me?”

I’m doing pirouettes in  middle of the street trying to figure out where this girl is. I finally see somebody sitting under a tree on their phone and I’m like “Huh? That can’t be her.” I walk toward this person and she waves. My first thought was “…what?” I was legitimately confused. I mean everything was as advertised from her neck down and her eyes were still pretty, but damn. Needless to say, I was deceived. And that was but the tip of the iceberg. Turns out, as I discovered in line for our food, her name was not Lisa, but Tia.

When asked why this was the case, Tia not Lisa, stated that people online don’t need to know her real name until she deems them worthy of a meetup. I can empathize with pseudonyms because I don’t feel like spelling nor correcting service folk when it comes to my food. I get it. Her justification is what struck me as odd, but I chalked it up as a response to a potentially traumatic experience. No worries. Then I realized that I had been calling her Lisa for nearly four days prior. Why didn’t she correct me once she gave me her number? If I wasn’t starving and in a good mood, I might’ve bailed. But now I was just curious.

Things progress, we’re enjoying each other’s company. I actually appreciated the fact she could speak in coherent sentences because texting was completely opposite. No shade though, some people are better talkers than texters. I wasn’t trippin. We walk around and chill. I’m a listener by nature so she’s just going on and on. I interject every now and then, but I could tell she was getting nervous about something. Apparently silence and lulls in conversation bother her. I pipe up a bit more and we talk on a nearby bench where she sets her phone/wallet down.

She suggests ice cream and we go for some Coldstone across the way. She goes to pay and she realizes that she doesn’t have her wallet on her. What a dilemma. So we search high and low, retracing our steps. So she’s making phone calls and stuff, while remaining calm which I had to commend her for. No luck in searching the local stores or in the area. I suggest we just sit back on the bench because whoever picked it up may have just turned it in somewhere. Lo’ and behold, some bellboys from the hotel on the corner asked if we lost a wallet recently. Order is restored, ice cream is acquired and we continue hanging out due to a combination of pity and traffic.

I felt like she was trying to convince me that smoking weed daily was okay. Which is weird because I mentioned on multiple occasion that if that’s what she wants to do, she should do it. It clearly wasn’t consuming her life and getting baked before meeting me was working out apparently. Weed has no bearing on why round 2 won’t be happening. The fact that she said she hates the Power Rangers and Star Wars in one sentence was enough for me to end things. But the coup de grace appears in this exchange.

“Yeah you know, that guy…I was just like ‘You cool, but you just ugly.’

Sitting there with the best poker face I can muster, “Haha yeah, it be like that sometimes. But you know ugly people need love too.”

“Ugh, all the dudes I’ve met are either boring, crazy, or just ugly. It’s like why can’t I just find a normal kinda cute dude to just chill with and talk to?”

Thinking to myself, “Can’t tell if hinting at something or just venting.”

The night ends, I walk her back to her car and she mentions that she doesn’t want to go home because she’ll be bored. I mention I have work to do and I’m kind of tired. Wasn’t a lie either. Spending 6 hours with anyone for the first time can be tiring. But I was officially done with the innuendos. And I couldn’t stop thinking about the anti-Star Wars + Power Rangers travesty. I mean really.

Gotta be wary of those doctored online photos with the weird lighting and angles. That’s the hustle these days. Some people will go to great lengths to get portray what they want to be instead of what they are which is a shame. With the amount of people on this Earth, there’s a nice handful of compatible folks for everyone. Never a reason to sit there and lie because once you get exposed you really gonna be assed out. Not everyone is nice enough to deal with deception. I’ve heard many a story about some of my peeps (men and women) rolling up early to scope the person in question and if they weren’t as represented then they just drove off. It’s fucked up, but I don’t blame them. The assumption was that each party look like what they put online. I’m usually pretty good a screening and weeding out the scam artists, but I am human. Mistakes were made.

I wouldn’t say my encounter was a total disaster because I sort of enjoyed the conversation, but I was definitely disappointed. Just like on the Boondocks when Granddad was trying out dating on MySpace.