When is it time to keep it pushin’? It’s always been a point of contention for me to decide when the last time is the last time. Because I often overthink and blow things slightly out of proportion. This can be especially problematic in undefined relationships. Structure is important to me in a lot of ways. I’m no longer naive; letting people have their cake and eat it too is a dead practice. I’m hip to the game y’all. Well I’ve been hip to it for a while. The level of DGAF was the real factor in dealing with it. Depending on how much of an impact it has on me and my aspirations, I might give it attention. And this isn’t exclusive to interpersonal relations. This also applies to mind states and outlooks on life. Sometimes leaving the negativity and whatever else is holding you back from greatness is the best course of action.
Back to me, is this about a woman? Maybe. Can this be about somebody I thought waiting around for was a good idea? Possibly. Am I at my wit’s end with said person? Absolutely. New people come and go; life’s a revolving door of interaction and I’ve never been wanting for new connections. The course of existence will put you before people and situations unless you literally never leave the house. But I had this notion of how things should have been and for a time they were going more or less how I was expecting them to go. So much that I was planning to take the next step…until I was presented with some info I had to consider. Suffice to say shit got weird and never really got back to normal (in my eyes anyway). Now that I’m tired of being Mr. Initiator, I’m gonna set my sights elsewhere.
After a brief conversation with my grandma, she put me on to the notion of being ready with someone that isn’t ready rarely works. Especially if the latter party doesn’t plan on getting ready any time soon. So you’ll sit there trying to influence them to get ready. To get on your level then before you know it you’re tired, frustrated, and confused. They have to want to be ready. No wishful thinking, no hopes and maybes. They’ve got to exercise the qualities of being ready to do whatever y’all tryna do. And that was my situation; I was ready, she wasn’t. So do I stay and remain annoyed or do I move on, potentially coming across someone who is more than ready?
It wasn’t the easiest decision in the world, but it wasn’t hard either. It was one of things where you know what the consequences are if you do it. Even knowing the outcome, you still held out a bit of hope. But that’s just me and my optimism. The heart wants what the hearts wants right? My heart can rarely be trusted in that situation though. Why? Well because I’m a fucking simp when I vibe. It’s stupid really. Heart on my sleeve and all that. I dunno, maybe my absence will be a catalyst. I doubt it though. I tire of toiling with the possibilities. I want release.
Romanticism aside, there’s a lot of parting I need to do mentally. First is my attitude about this whole mid twenties struggle. It’s shitty, I hate it, and wish to every deity there ever was that it would end sooner than later. Despite my monumental frustration, I believe it’s a necessary mire to trudge through because when I exit this freeway of fuckery, I’ll be stronger for it. At least that’s what I keep telling myself and what older people preach.
Another unproductive set of thoughts that hang around my neurons is that once I’m on (job, new car, new place, financial autonomy) that I’ll be able to do everything I can’t do now. There’s nothing holding me back from doing 80% of the things I want to do. I can foot the bill too. It’s so hard to not compare myself to my peers and legitimately feel like I fucked up. Everybody around me is adulting hardcore and I’m sitting her wondering who eats Kix in this house because the lack of Cinnamon Toast Crunch is disturbing. I dunno, I just feel ridiculously inadequate for a 27 year old male. But I have the resources to change all of that for the better. I just need to leave the defeatism behind and just do it like my man Shia.
On to the next, that’s the mantra for this year no doubt. Now if there was some way to fast-forward Trump’s presidency. Thankfully K-Dot feels my pain in the struggle. This dick certainly ain’t free.