Reasons why I’m tired

So I went to the L.A. Tech Fair in downtown and it was pretty cool. Not much opportunity for a copywriter/journalist such as myself, but I did network my ass off. The real treat was seeing the freedom and the ingenuity of the American people. There was this booth that had just 1 of the co-founders for this Yelp-style-lawyer-rating-company talking to anyone that was interested. Not to mention she was a cute-ass Asian chick, so you know I had to finesse while I was looking fly. I even stole like 3 Twinkies from her booth and she just laughed and said “I know who you are!” Thirst aside, it was crazy how she and her lawyer partner had an idea then decided to pursue it. That’s truly the beauty of this country. You can just wake up one day and start a business. That’s common place here, but you can’t do that everywhere. You might even get killed for doing so. So that was pretty awesome.

But fuck the Tech Fair for a minute. There are few things in this world that trigger me. One of them is people that use other people selfishly. Now to protect the anonymity of someone very close to me I’m gonna summarize, but suffice to say bitches be crazy. And I mean bitches in regards to men and women. It takes special lack of empathy and surplus of selfishness to actively use someone for personal gain, repeatedly. I’m not talking purely material gain either. I’m talking about this sad excuse of a human being acting as an emotional parasite in addition to bleeding the wallet dry. I’m talking about a person who feigns ignorance to justify their vile disregard for someone who would prolly take a bullet for them.

And this makes me very tired in 2 ways:

  1. The victim of said bullshit is very aware of the situation at hand. They can even describe what’s going to a T, but for some godforsaken reason they can be brought to let it go. All those rehearsals with Elsa were really wastes of money.
  2. Despite having dealt with this situation personally, I just can’t seem to say the right thing. Anything I say is glossed over with “I know,” “I’m trying,” or “This is different.”

Having been up for 21 hours before writing this makes me tired in a tertiary way, but I digress. The point is that I don’t like wasting my breath nor do I like seeing the people I care about suffer needlessly for fear of their own emotions. It’s scary to deal with emotionally heavy things, I get it. We’ve all been there at one time or another. But shackling yourself to madness to avoid pain seems infinitely worse in the long run. It’s gonna suck major ass closing that chapter, but it must be done.

That book’s gonna be heavy af in your backpack for a bit, but goddamnit you get to create a new chapter and that’s the biggest benefit is it not? I like to move on from chapter to chapter, not get stuck on page 45 because I’m scared of what’s going to happen to the main character. If I turn the page and he’s dies then oh well. At least I’m moving forward.

That’s something that really resonated within me from Luke Cage (comic and the Netflix series) was the notion of “Forward, always.” It’s super easy to dwell on bullshit. That’s what makes it bullshit. It stinks, you hate it, and you get fixated on how terrible it is. It’s a distraction much like the matador’s red cape is a distraction for the bull not to tear out his asshole. It’s there to keep you stagnant and to stunt your growth as a human being. Can’t let that bog you down. Soon as you give in, that’s it. Kiss your aspirations goodbye for a time.

I used to get hung up on failure like nobody’s business. The handful of mistakes I made would outshine the cumulative whole of my success. Then I stopped trying, which lead to further self-loathing, which continued the cycle. It was a hamster wheel of self-deprecation and self-doubt. There was only one way to get past it and that was to torch that bitch. Set my ego on fire and use my uncertainty as kindling to fuel the flame of forward-motion.

The women/men you want, the job you want, the life you want…those all follow one thing: positivity and living a life that’s fulfilling to you. And I know some smartass is out there like “what about serial killers?” There’s nothing positive about inflicting premeditated pain and suffering on others so don’t even start with me. Lives full of good intention, positive vibes, and favorable outlooks on the future will feel fruitful as hell regardless of where these people are in life. That’s something that can’t truly be understood until one has experienced “rock bottom.” Now that’s parenthetical because rock bottom means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. My rock bottom is:

  • No job
  • No money
  • No friends
  • No car
  • No place to live
  • Limited family interaction
  • No honey dip(s)
  • No writing
  • No video games
  • Just me and my despair

This is where suicide seems like the sweetest deal on earth. I’ve nothing to live for and nothing to lose in this scenario. I’ve only but two choices: turn my life around or die in squalor. It’s that simple.

So it kills me to see people engage in activities that aren’t conducive to helping them win the game of life. No one intentionally handicaps themselves in an Olympic race. Why should anyone? Although life isn’t a race, it’s still an exercise in mindfulness. Being aware of how exactly your shitty little carbon-based body operates in the universe and how your actions influence things in whatever way. Understanding your impact on the world, local and global, goes a long way.

I’m 2 steps from passing out, but I’ll part with this. Nothing or no one is worth selfishly compromising your sanity and health for. Not a god damn person or thing. And I’m not talking about giving kidneys or pieces of yourself to save others. I’m talking about projection, attachment, and vanity. I’m talking about feeling like somebody owes you something because you committed resources to them. Nobody owes you shit, you don’t owe anybody shit. The only thing you owe is respect to yourself and respect to the world. That’s it. People have to earn respect, favor, and privilege. There’s no Pez Pen for this shit folks. Now I’m preaching my life philosophy real hard right now, but there’s some validity to it.

We should do things for others because we genuinely want to do things  for them. Not because you expect something in return. Not because there’s a debt to be paid. Not because “it’s the right thing to do.” Those are all societal constructs that serve a greater good: order. Chaos, unpredictability, and unreliability is the natural state of the world. We humans have projected our egos, which precludes order, onto the world because that’s what makes sense logically.

And that’s not to say rationality didn’t exist in the world sans humans, it did. But it was condensed into very niche pockets. It wasn’t forcibly spread around the world as it is now. If you get killed by a falling tree or a particularly poisonous animal then that’s too bad. There’s no rhyme or reason. It just happens.  I’m probably talking out of my ass right now, but it sounds right so sue me.

Bottom line is that you can control but 2 things in this world: Your actions and reactions. Anything and everything else is out of your hands. Free will is a motherfucker ain’t it?