Trying not to seem desperate or psychotic

Okay, now this one is painfully personal, but fuck it I’m a big boy. There’s a short list of things that get me excited and on that list on, on the back of the paper, is meeting quality women. Because you know, I’m that dude (I’m really not). It’s cool clicking with attractive people of the opposite sex because of the potential. This is where the plague of an overactive imagination comes into play. As a man, of course I’m gonna imagine her naked and draped over my bed getting the business. That’s a given; animal brain has to get some screen time every now and then. Eventually her clothes are back on and I imagine a series of scenarios because why not. These range from dating to breaking up to sharing some ice cream or even meeting my friends. Keep in mind all of this happens within the first 15 minutes of meeting and talking with homegirl. Then back to reality and we carry on.

Now the problem comes if we really hit it off. Once that connection is made, I want it all. I wanna see to what extent this mutual ground will go. But it’s creepy to go all in on someone you’ve only exchanged a handful of messages with. Excited or not, you gotta let people live. And I learned (am learning) this the hard way. But I feel like this might primarily pertain to online dating. The danger index for women meeting strange men on the internet is pretty damn high. Early warnings being (but not limited to) clingyness bordering on harassment, being asked to meet at dude’s house, blowing her phone up at all hours of the day etc. etc. Essentially being a maladjusted human being that has objectified this woman to the point of fetishism. So basically these guys have ruined the method of “sweeping her off her feet.” The old-school all in approach is no longer viable, online or not.

There was this article talking about getting a date set up the old-fashioned way via friends was more “meaningful” than swiping around in Tinder or clicking through profiles on Match.com. That sounds like common sense to me. You can’t making sweeping judgments on someone you’ve never met. And if you do click, that’s because of the vibes and conversation, not because you want to jump his or her bones.

That’s not to say that blind dates are going to be better than swiping right bar none; there’s a calculated risk in dating that can’t be circumvented. Anyway, back to me being over-eager and thirsty af, I get a bit too excited. And it doesn’t help that I’m very verbose in this age of blurbs and short attention spans. So I feel fucked in a way.

On the one hand, if I play it too cool, homegirl will lose interest because she binders full of men lined up and whoever has the best attraction:interest ratio is going to be the top draft pick. Conversely, if I am too available I’m gonna get ignored. The worst is when I craft a response addressing their point, add on to that point, and provide another topic to the discuss only see “yeah that’s crazy” or a choir of crickets. Why did I bother even thinking about it? Might as well channel my inner fuccboi and say “lol ya that’s lit af. ay wyd?” At least I know why that didn’t warrant further dialogue.

Conversation is a two person endeavor. Not “entertain me until I get bored.” Honesty is the missing ingredient here really. I’d be fine is somebody was like “Look I don’t really want to talk to you right now. I’m busy.” Yeah it’s assholeish, but it’s direct and it’s fair. That’s essentially what’s being said with 3 word replies, but why hint instead of being real? My feelings won’t be hurt if you’re not interested. Life goes on.

The thing is that I reply to everyone, (potential honey dips, friends, family, bosses, and scammers) promptly because my phone is near me at all times practically. I’d say I reply within 5-15 minutes 80% of the time. That other 20% I’m in game, on the road, busy with work, or hanging out with someone. And within that 20% I reply within the hour most of the time. Because I know how it feels to be left hanging. I’m not perfect though. There are some days were I just don’t feel like talking to anyone and my replies are curt. I’m human, sue me.

It’s weird how verbosity gets equated with interest, which isn’t a totally unfair assumption. You’re going to say more to someone you’re interested in than someone you’re not. That’s how things work. But they’re not mutually exclusive. It’s likely but not completely indicative. If it happens that they can hold a conversation and contribute to it meaningfully, that’s great. I think another part to this puzzle is how some people are just bad conversationalists via text-based communication.

So maybe there’s a sense of being overwhelmed and not knowing what to say. I’ve been witness to this on multiple occasions. This one girl…it was like talking to a automated wall bass via text, but soon as we met up all I had to do was ask 3 questions and she gushed like Yellowstone. And honestly I probably should have left it alone, but I would randomly hit the G-spot of the conversation and she’d flood my phone with walls of text instead. It was weird.

And all of this isn’t a “woe is me, deez womenz won’t talk to me! dey don’t appreciate me!” My anecdotes (and others I’ve heard) seem to be indicative of a larger trend where we’re becoming okay with dissociated communication and distilling people’s existences into a checklist of traits.I used to scoff at profiles on Tinder that said “500 characters can’t define me,” because I viewed them as facetious special snowflake attention grabs. And those were facetious profiles with tasteless cleavage shots (amazing) and stuff, but the message resonated with me.

Can we really condense all of our years on this Earth in 500 characters while maintaining to fully convey what makes us, us? If you check most of the boxes then you’re golden. If not then tough titty. That doesn’t sit well with me at all. Everyone is writing their story as they’re living it. You can’t sit there and believe you know exactly what to expect from someone based on a 5″ display of 6 photos and 500 characters.

It’s hard to navigate the dating world now. You gotta front like you’re super busy (ain’t nobody that busy), super interesting, and super disenchanted with the how “hollow” the process can be. Be genuine, interested, and honest with people you’re seen as an anathema to the dating construct.

How dare you give a shit about how people feel? What? You’re not trying to finesse sex on the first date? You’re insane. Meaningful conversation and connecting with people beyond physicality? Fuck outta here with that bullshit. You’re being clear about boundaries and what you’re looking for? Nah man, I’m gonna have to ask you to back off. You fucking up the program.

Standards are important. They give a basis for dealbreakers, desired traits, and things that are acceptable. But what you need and what you want are often at odds with one another. Sometimes it’s best to just experience people as they are, even if they don’t fall into any prescribed category. You won’t marry everyone you date. You won’t date everyone you meet.You find what you’re looking for when you ain’t looking because that’s how life works. So I’m getting my Ray Charles on and looking past all these hoes. Just kidding, I’m about to respond to replies I just got. I sent those messages 15+ hours prior. 4 out of 7 are one word replies to paragraphs. It’s chill (kill me).